Yesterday was my birthday and it was a “milestone” one at that. It was the day that Sexy Old Broad is officially old. Sad, ain’t it? At the end of a long day of shopping, what should we see on the side of the road but a big sign for an adult shop. What the heck, why not? We don’t have anything adult in our small town so in we went.

Now I’m not going to tell you that I wave to people as I walk into a sex shop. No, I’m of an age where nice women didn’t go to those places, but heck, times have changed. I take responsibility for my own sexuality and I wanted a new toy. It WAS my birthday yesterday, remember? I’m good at dragging it out as long as I can. Anyway, I digress.. We got out of the car and instead of just clicking the lock button once, my dear one decides to do it again and the car started HONKING. Right.. enough people didn’t see me walk in.

We were greeted by a hulk of a man wearing a red t-shirt and jeans and a big smile. He showed us the section of toys that were 20% off and we started browsing. I kept looking around at the other people in the shop.. ok, I’m a voyeur at heart. There was one guy looking at the dvds. There were tons of them all sorted by interest. There was also a blow up doll with “three active holes”. From my vantage point I could only see her mouth but the whole thing looked like a big flesh colored garbage bag that someone had blown up and painted a face on. I swear I need to help more people find dates so they don’t have to fuck a plastic bag!

We didn’t find much in the discount department so we moved on. Now tell me, what sort of person sits in his living room (or hers) and says to herself:

“Well, I’m all alone tonight, I think I’ll shove a 2′ fake hand up inside me for kicks.” ??

I mean really. Or those HUGE dildoes with the tops of balls the size of melons. What is wrong with a normal sized piece of equipment? It’s kept us happy for generations upon generations.

Ok, so I’ll admit that we found a toy we liked and went to the sales counter and the guy in the red shirt leans over and says, “Do you need any lube? I’ve got the best stuff made — right here. Here.. put some on your finger.”

Ok, I’ve got this really slippery stuff on my finger and I say, “Ok, I’ll take some.”

Now what do I do with the slippery stuff that’s now on my finger and my thumb? Somehow I was embarrassed asking for a tissue in a sex shop. I know what they do in places like that. They had tiny rooms for rent in there, I saw them. The sign said Private Internet Rooms with broadband. Uh huh. I bet they provide tissues in there too.

Back to the lube.. My new best friend in the red shirt says, “What size?” Then picks up a rather large tube of the stuff and said, “This should last you a year.”

I looked at my husband and said, “Oh, you don’t know us.. that wouldn’t last US more than a month.” My husband wasn’t impressed.

On the way out of the store I had to pass the display of penis drinking straws, boob shaped pasta and penis shaped lipsticks and magnetic boobs for your fridge. Who buys this crap? I was told that men buy them and a lot of it. The sales guy seemed offended that I was making fun. Making fun? I was rolling my eyes.

I’ve never visited anyone’s home with small boobs stuck to the refrigerator or known anyone who listens to a radio in the shape of boobs. Volume on the left, tuning on the right. My mission is to find someone who has them and have them committed.

If you’ve been wondering how to attract that dreamy guy at the tennis club or the cute chick that’s always at the bar for Friday night drinks, you have all the tools right in your mouth.

Flirting has always begun with a smile.

You look at them, you smile, they smile back, you look away. Then you catch eyes again and they smile, you smile in return and then look away.

On the third time you look at each other, make a very tiny smile, no teeth but continue looking at them all the while talking to them mentally. A small wave can’t go wrong at this point and then it’s up to the man to come to the woman. That’s just how it is.

Men might say they like to wait for the woman to come to them, but in reality it’s all about the chase. Men chase until the women catch them. It’s been like this since the days of the caveman.

Don’t sue me if it doesn’t work, but it has always worked for me!

To my best friends, I promise these 10 things:

1. When you are sad — I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. I’m the Heimlich queen.

3. When you smile — I will know you are plotting something that must include me.

4. When you are scared — I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you have no more fear.

5. When you are worried — I will tell you stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit complaining.

6. When you are grumpy — I will pop the backs of your knees with mine until you fall down laughing.

7. When you are confused — I will use little words.

8. When you are sick — Stay the hell away from me until you are well. I don’t want whatever you have.

9. When you fall — I will help you up but not before I point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

10. When you have to pee — Don’t look at me, I don’t follow other women to the rest room.

This is my oath…. I pledge it to the end. “Why?” you may ask; “because you are my friend”.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.

Think about the last time you got to your hotel on a hot day and quickly opened the fridge and poured a drink into a hotel glass. I’ve done it hundreds of times but I’ll never do it again without thinking of this video. Watch the video and you won’t be able to forget it either!