As many of you know, I’m an American and an Australian and now I live in New Zealand. Even I couldn’t make up stuff this stupid. In today’s news from stuff.co.nz is this article.

A New Zealand man who claimed to have been left speaking Australian after being raped by a wombat has been sentenced to 75 hours community service.

Arthur Ross Cradock, a 48-year-old orchard worker, admitted in the Nelson District Court yesterday to the charge of using a phone for a fictitious purpose, after calling police with the message, “I’ve been raped by a wombat”.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court that on the afternoon of February 11 Cradock called the police communications centre, threatening to “smash the filth” if they arrived at his home that night.

When asked if he had an emergency, he replied “yes”, Mr Stringer said.

On a second subsequent call to the communications centre, Cradock told police he was being raped by a wombat at his Motueka address, and sought their immediate help.

He called police again soon after, and gave his full name, saying he wanted to withdraw the complaint.

“I’ll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he’s pulled out,” Cradock told the operator at the communications centre, who had no idea what he was talking about, Mr Stringer said.

“Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right you know, I didn’t hurt my bum at all,” Cradock then told the operator.

Mr Stringer said alcohol had played a big part in Cradock’s life. However, defence lawyer Michael Vesty said alcohol was not a problem that day.

Judge Richard Russell said he was not quite sure what motivated Cradock to make those statements to the police.

In sentencing, he warned Cradock not to do it again.

Back in Australia nobody would think that a wombat could rape anyone. They move so slowly that most people call them speed bumps.

Sure, all women like public displays of affection. It shows all those other women out there how loved and cherished you are. You have to admit though, after a while the handholding doesn’t quite get the blood flowing like it did early on. Come on guys, it’s time to lift your game.

If you want to get her motor going so she’ll jump your bones the minute you get home, move on from hand holding and –

Place your hand on her neck
Caress her cheek with the back of your hand
Rest your hand on her hip
Put your arm around her shoulder

These are all non-verbal ways of not only telling her but showing the world how much she’s loved. Trust me, we all want the world to know. Even if we say we don’t for modesty’s sake, the truth is, we want everyone to know.

Step up the PDAs and it’s guaranteed to deepen her connection to you and strengthen your relationship. It’s also pretty much a sure thing that the more she feels loved, the more sex you two will share.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson the story of the two wolves. It’s about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, “My son, the battle is between two “wolves” inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

I know in the past that I’ve fed them both and it’s way past time to choose one over the other.