Ok, I’ve got three stories that should all win prizes. I couldn’t make up stuff this dumb.

According to the British tabloid, The Sun, a woman went grocery shopping wearing a pair of those new vibrating Passion Pants. She got so turned on by the vibrating bullet in her panties that she fainted from sheer excitement. She fell against a grocery aisle and hit her head.

When the paramedics arrived at the store in Swansea, Wales, her immitation leather panties were still vibrating and the woman was unconscious. They tended to her and before they took her to the hospital, they removed her panties. She got them back when she was released to go home. A spokesman for the grocery chain said, “We like to think shopping with us is exciting enough.”

What sort of dumb person would wear a pair of vibrating panties to the grocery store in the first place? They should have smacked her upside the head a few times, grabbed her panties and left her in the store. What a waste of taxpayer money on doctors just because she had to have a bit of wiggly wiggly. She needed to buy food and thought, “Gee, I’ll masturbate and shop and that will really save time.”

The next story isn’t about being stupid or not quite so stupid. A guy in Valalta Beach in Croatia went swimming in the nude. Not so weird, a lot of people do. His testicles had shrunk in the cold temperature and when he came out of the water he sat on a wooden deck chair with slats and his balls slid right though. After a little while, things heated up and his testicles went back to normal size and he couldn’t get out of the chair. (ouch) It took the beach maintenance staff a while to cut the chair in two to free him. Bet he wears a budgie smuggler next time he goes to the beach!

Finally, in Carioca, Romania a man was cooking pancakes for dinner and as luck would have it, his wife was giving him a blow job at the same time. (What is it with these people who have to do two things at the same time?) At the height of passion, he lost his grip on the frying pan and dumped hot oil on his wife’s back. She bit down on his penis and he moaned loudly and bashed her on the head with the hot frying pan.

When they got to the hospital neither would say how their injuries occurred, however after extensive questioning they admitted what happened. The man needed medical attention for his penis and his wife had burns to her back, a sore head, two black eyes and a broken cheek bone. She must have hurt way too much to laugh but that’s what I’d have done!

A few months ago we received a complaint from a man who joined SexyAds.com seeking a crossdresser. (I can’t make up stories better than the real thing.) The guy is married but would like a little on the side, according to the ad he placed. We do not censor any ads other than to delete anyone posting anything illegal and we remove personally identifying information. If someone wants to be stupid, they have a right to be we figure. Anyway, on to the man’s complaint.

He posted his ad listing specifically what he was looking for and he attached 11 photos to his profile. He had listed his locality near him but not in his town because he needed to be discreet but it wasn’t more than 10 miles away. (So WHY did he attach 11 photos for everyone to see? He could have made them by invitation only.)

His complaint? He said he was in a miserable mess and it was all our fault. He expected privacy on a site like ours and a friend of his wife saw his photo and told her about it. The wife created a membership as a cross dresser and played him for a few weeks and then agreed to meet him. You can imagine the rest. She did meet him along with her private investigator and ended up suing him for divorce. I’m the queen of online dating but even I couldn’t help him out of that one.

Let this be a lesson to anyone considering cheating. If you are unhappy in your relationship, do something about it. Work to make it better, get a trial separation to see if you miss each other, end the relationship or stay where you are and accept that it’s not going to get any better. If you do decide to “get a little on the side” like this guy did, don’t be stupid. Don’t post identifying photos or write your online profile so that anyone could identify you with just a bit of effort.

Whenever we hook up with someone who’s had a long standing relationship with another person, don’t we always wonder how we compare? I know I did when I first met the love of my life. She was more slender than I was, she really ruled the roost, she did all sorts of things that just aren’t “me”. I suppose it was normal to wonder how I’d compare to her, after all they’d been together for 20 years. Part of me didn’t want to know and part of me was very curious.

After the first year, I never thought about it again until a friend of mine who’s starting a new relationship with a guy who’s separated started wondering the same thing.

The truth is, it doesn’t freakin matter what the ex did, or how they look, or how good they were in bed, or how well they cut the grass, or cooked a steak. It just doesn’t matter. If it did, that’s where your partner would still be, right? They left that relationship because of problems between the two of them that they couldn’t resolve and then decided there wasn’t enough love left to bother solving the problems.

So stop trying to measure up to what kind of person you think they are. Your sweetie doesn’t care. He or she chose you above all others and they’re with you because they’re happy. That should be enough.

Jealousy and clingyness. Maybe it’s clinginess, I can’t be bothered worrying about how to spell it, just know that it’s one of the two worst things in a relationship. If either of you are clingy or jealous or heaven forbid both, the relationship is doomed. End it right now because it’s never going to get better. Put on the hair shirt and start complaining about how miserable you are so you can get over it sooner. Perhaps you aren’t guilty but you know someone who is. We all know someone who’s jealous or clingy and it’s not a pretty site.

I have a friend who’s nutcase jealous when his wife is out of his sight. He’s a weirdo about it, honestly. If she and I go out for coffee, he must call every 15-20 minutes to see what she’s up to. I suggested leaving the phone at home just once and she said he’d go apeshit if she did. I had to swallow my words but inside I was screaming, “YOU IDIOT!! DUMP THIS LOSER!” What a control freak wearing a coat of jealousy.

My friend Donna is clingy. When her live-in Matt is at home, she’s by his side nearly all the time. If he goes to put out the garbage, she helps him. If he wants to surf the net, she gets a chair to sit beside him. If he goes to the throne room, she sits on the edge of the tub so they can talk. She needs to know where he is all the time and what he’s doing. It would drive me insane not to have one private moment at home. I suppose it’s possible that Matt doesn’t mind but I’d smack her upside the head a time or two just for good measure. When she’s away from Matt she’s just fine, although if it’s time for him to come home, we have to hurry so she’s there when he gets home. She wants to spend every moment she can with him. Mr. Flirty would roll his eyes if I followed him around all day. He’d wonder if aliens had taken over my body. We each have our own lives but we treasure the time we’re together. I want to be with him because I love him not because I need him.

If you’re insecure in your relationship, fix that. It might well be that you’re like my friend and there’s nothing to be jealous about but he’s jealous anyway. If that’s the case, wise up and fix yourself because there’s nothing to be jealous about.

If you’re clingy, get a life. Seriously. Find something to do that’s fun for you and you alone. Go to a class, join a bowling league, get involved in local politics, volunteer your time at a hospice or meals on wheels. There are heaps of things you can do to be complete all on your own. You’ll be much more fun to be around.