I went out to lunch yesterday at a sidewalk cafe and as I was eating my bowls of twigs I was watching all the people that go by. It’s one of my favorite pastimes. This one’s clothes are too tight, that one has too much makeup on, that one really shouldn’t go outside looking like that and then my biggest pet peeve of all, the comb-over men. Puhleeze. If God wanted you to cover it up he’d have given you more hair!

To make matters worse for me, it was windy. As these silly buggers walked up the sidewalk, their hair was waving to me like a giant hand on top of their heads. It is not attractive! You might be different, but a neatly trimmed balding man is sexy to me. If you really can’t face going bald, then get a wig. At least it won’t wave to me.

Have a look at these heads, will you? I can’t believe that they think this is a good look. Maybe their mirrors show them something different.

Come on.. gimme the scissors!

I was perusing Fox News website and found a posting by Yvonne Fulbright. She’s the one hired to talk about sex because even Fox News knows that sex topics bring more viewers! Anyway, this bird believes that anyone who views porn is guilty of cheating on their partner or spouse. Really. I wonder how she feels about people who have real sex with someone else. I bet they have to wear shirts painted with scarlet letters and hang tin cans off their asses.

Let me be clear on this, I disagree with nearly all this woman has to say. If you think your partner, husband or wife is viewing too much porn and you need to know for sure, answering these questions with a yes means you’re in deep shit, relationshipwise. OR, you can think like I do and if your mate is watching too much porn, you talk about it. Find out what is causing that need in them. I suspect people surf the net, watch porn or chat online because they’re filling a need, whether it’s to waste time, feel titillated or feel noticed. Here’s a bit about what she had to say.

• Your partner is not as social as he used to be.

I can’t believe that porn is the biggest reason someone isn’t social any more. Maybe the job is shit or the kid got picked up for driving without a license or their parent died or a gazillion other reasons.

• Your partner lacks interest in sex or is sexually unresponsive.
  Fulbright said, “You’re noticing a decrease in physical affection and non-sexual touch. If you have sex, it’s because you are the one initiating it. Your partner is having trouble becoming sexually aroused (for example, achieving erection or having an orgasm).

Let’s see, how about they gained weight and don’t feel sexy any more, or you’ve put on weight and you’re not so attractive any more, or sex has become boring or they asked so many times and were refused that they don’t ask so much any more. Geez.

• Your partner is being uncharacteristically demanding or rough during sex.

Ok, maybe, and I mean a huge maybe, watching rough porn might make some guy want to try it out. Rough porn is not the most popular porn by a long shot, so let’s talk about the person who’s drunk off his ass and can’t tell whether he’s rough or not? How about watching too many cop shows where physical force is used to convince someone that their point of view is the only right one?

• Your partner does not seem “present.”

My hubby is a programmer and I’ll be damned if I didn’t think for years he was off with the fairies dreaming up new code but I must be wrong.. he’s watching too much porn! We’re together 24/7 and have been for years, so I think I’d have noticed. To blame this lack of being “in the moment” on porn is really grasping for straws, don’t you think?

• Your partner has started to nit-pick your appearance.

Well, when my man started talking about how I looked, he was right. I was overweight and because of that I didn’t feel sexy and I didn’t wear makeup or do the things I should have done to look my best. I didn’t watch porn. No, instead I lost the weight.

• You feel like you’re no longer getting straight answers from your lover.

Maybe they’re embezzling at work or maybe they have an online girlfriend or maybe a real one, or maybe they’re gambling it all away or maybe they’re drinking too much or addicted to drugs - all reasons for not telling the truth.

• Your partner is practically wed to the Internet.

Yep, all the people who are online hours and hours a day are all watching porn? I don thin so, Lucy. All those people who spend hours writing their blogs are secretly watching porn and stealing their content.

• You’ve noticed a change in your partner’s demeanor.

  Fulbright says, “Feeling like a “sex pervert” can lead him to negative emotional outbursts such as picking fights and holding grudges in order to justify his secret porn use.”

Oh come on. What about people who work too much and are always tired and when they get home they’re blasted with problems with the kids, the lawn needs mowing, the kids need attention, and nobody can see that they’re drowning so they get bitchy. It happens to all of us at some point.

I will admit that she does say that any one of these topics alone is not enough to be 100% convinced that your mate is watching too much porn, but a pattern of several of these behaviors is definitely pointing to excessive porn watching. This is at the end of all that bullshit so most people aren’t going to get that far.

All of these problems could be sorted out by talking together. Stop the finger pointing and scolding and find out what’s really going on. You love this person, so help them out just as you’d hope they’d help you if the shoe was on the other foot.

You all know that I run the dating site at SexyAds.com so it should be no surprise that I come across some strange folks occasionally. Ok, maybe too occasionally if that’s possible. When people visit our site and get lucky or make new friends, we rarely hear from them but if someone can’t get an email or another member has insulted them or their computer crashes - watch out!

I WAS watching out but it happened anyway. Yesterday I got the strangest email from a member who was really not very happy. He ranted and raved and bitched and whined and grumbled for about 20 minutes of reading. His email had no paragraphs either so it was next to impossible to read with all the words running together. The grammar and spelling were wacko too but I’ve learned to read bad grammar, spelling and typo is just another language to me.

What was he upset about? He was really angry that he had to pay to video chat with sexy young things by the minute and what a horrible site we were to entice people to join only to make them pay for something they didn’t want in the first place.

How could we sleep at night, he wanted to know!

He wanted to chat with real women and he didn’t mind if he had to pay for that as a monthly fee, that seemed fair to him, but to ask him to pay by the minute for sex chat with some woman who wasn’t interested in anything but the money screamed to him of our greed and stupidity.

The more I read, the more I laughed.

By the time I finished with that tirade, my belly ached from laughing.

Why?

We don’t offer pay by minute video chat with sexy young things! We think it’s stupid too! We wanted a site where real people, warts and all, could meet other people for a good time, great relationships and companionship, on or off-line.

So, rubbing my hands together for encouragement, I wrote back to this guy and explained that he had mixed us up with another site he was probably a member of. Adult Friend Finder offers chat with sexy young things and several other sites do too, but we don’t have pay by minute chat, never have had it and never will have it. It’s just not our model. No judgements really; it’s just something that doesn’t fit with our older crowd of people.

I expected him to apologize and thank me. But that would have meant that the world is a good place and Mr. Shitty is not from there.

“Oh no,” he said, “You’re wrong.”

Obviously I was new at SexyAds because he was asked to pay by the minute for video chat with his choice of quite a few young women. I’ll not list all the bad words and how my ass is where my head should be and that I’m so stupid I shouldn’t be allowed out without a leash and he should tell my employers that they had hired a dumbass. (Sorry, Mr. Shitty, I own the joint and my employer is me and I think I’m pretty wonderful, thank you very much.)

I’m obviously a glutton for punishment because I wrote back. I thanked him for the email and said I’d pass it on to my employer (no sense giving him too much information!) and asked him to find the page that asked for the pay by minute video chat and send me the URL at the top of the page and I’d take it to my boss and find out what I had been so wrong about.

Yep, he sent it and what’s the url? It started with adultfriendfinder.com but I couldn’t get in because he gave me a url from within their site that needed a login and password.

I wrote back and said that every page on our site started out with sexyads and that adult friend finder was a totally different site run by totally different people targeting a younger crowd than we did. If he could find that information on one of our pages, we’d be happy to look into it but we were sorry he had confused the two sites.

Umm.. wouldn’t you look at the top of the screen if you were going to write and complain? He must have had both sites open at once and probably more than one window on each site and got confused as to where he was.

Did Mr. Shitty write back? No! Maybe he’s still paying by the minute to chat to some hottie who says she’s in California but she’s really in the Philippines.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, ‘Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!’ Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, ‘Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?’

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. ‘Whew!’, says the leopard, ‘That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!’

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, ‘Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!’

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, ‘What am I going to do now?’, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

‘Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!’

Moral of this story….

Don’t mess with old farts… age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.