I’ve been examining online dating experience for years, it’s my business to know as much about it as I can. People ask me all the time why two very similar people can have totally different experiences and I have to admit that I’ve been baffled by that too. I used to think it was just that one was more friendly than the other but it’s more than that.

I was chatting with some people last week. One was a guy who visits chat every day, has lots of friends and can’t get a date. I really like him a lot but not as much as another guy who gets every woman he sets his sights on. It’s sat on my mind all week long. Why does one get better results than the other?

When checking their profiles and ads, I think I found a clue. While both profiles say pretty much the same thing, one comes across with tons of energy. I could feel it when I read the ad.

Distinguished (read that older, mature, pot bellied) gentleman seeks exciting (read that not dead from the neck down) woman to have some fun. If you enjoy dining out, evenings with friends, freezing your ass off trying to catch a fish that you probably won’t eat for dinner or lounging in a hot tub overlooking some exotic island, why not send me a note. Your looks are not as important as your ability to smile.

I’m a positive person who wants to have fun as often as I can. Feel the same way? Tickle me.

Attached to this ad was a photo of a man about 47, greying a bit, not in the best physical condition but he has a huge smile on his face. Every mail he sends out gets a reply.

So I decided to ask him why he thinks he’s so successful. He initially said he didn’t think he was but he said he knew we could tell how many emails he got so modesty wasn’t required. He said that when he wrote to a woman, he looked at her profile and while he was writing the email he projected what he was saying to her emotionally.

“The universe is all energy, we’re all energy, the computer runs on energy, so from the beginning, I have sent a little mental note with each mail I send. For lack of a better way to put it, I send a bit of positive energy her way.”

Whoa.. I wasn’t prepared for that.

The Power and Mystery of Energy

I have to admit that I’ve been interested in how the energy of the universe connects all things. Everything on earth vibrates. Music is vibration and it can often be quite powerful. So maybe this guy is on to something.

I began to research a bit more.

The Chinese have been involved in body energy for thousands of years. We in the West have consistently put it down as primitive practices and often because we think our Western medicine is superior. But is it?

The American Indians have known about body energy and how we as humans are connected to the Earth. Again, many consider this to be primitive but is it in fact a more advanced ability?

We’ve all been around people who give off a “vibe”. I know you know what I’m talking about because it’s either a good or bad feeling that we get in our gut but can’t verbalize. We just KNOW it exists. That’s the mystery of energy.

Psychics and others in that realm have known about the energy humans have. It’s no secret to any of them that this guy can send a non-verbal telepathic message to prospective dates, so why do the rest of us resist it? Our religious training and beliefs could be one way that causes resistance. Personally I believe in God but I look at all the things done in the world “In God’s Name” and it makes me want to spit. The God I honor and worship isn’t a hateful God.

If you look at what Jesus said in the New Testament with an eye to how He felt about energy and how we treat one another, it says a lot. He said we can move mountains just by wanting it to happen. That’s energy and vibration, baby.

So if you’re looking for a new relationship through online dating, think about the energy you’re passing along to a prospective new partner. There might be some room for improvement there. Take a page from the guy on our dating site who gets so much action. Use the energy you have at your fingertips.

No, of course you don’t. You’ve learned that it can be very misleading. The same thing is true for people. Look at the meteoric rise of Susan Boyle, the UK’s Got Talent contestant. She walked on stage and nearly everyone in the theatre judged her by her looks. She said she wanted to sing on stage and you could see and hear the tittering. Then she opened her mouth and sang like an angel. You could see the change in expression on every face and they knew that they’d unjustly judged her because of how she looked.

Too often, people who are seeking partners at an adult dating or really any dating site do the same thing. They browse the photos just like the men who read Playboy. They don’t read the words that go with them. If you were looking for a new relationship and you saw Susan Boyle’s photo, would YOU contact her? My guess is, probably not unless you’re a really special person. She admits to not having dated so if you said no, you’d have a lot of company. Now that she’s a worldwide star, I’ll bet there are any number of people who’d love to get to know her because she’s proven there’s lots more behind the face and body. Now that they know more about her, there’s an attraction that couldn’t have been found before.

Last week we received a note from a guy who’d met a woman in our free chatroom and they talked for months. We’d see them nearly every evening in their favourite room. He had a photo posted on his profile and heaps of photos in his personal gallery but she had none. He kept asking and she kept putting him off. Privately one night she told me that she loved spending time with him but he was really good looking and she knew she wasn’t and didn’t want it to end. I felt sad when she told me that and I encouraged her to post a photo. Nope, she wasn’t interested. She was 100% convinced that once he saw what she looked like that he’d move on to someone she considered to be more attractive.

Finally he said he was coming to her town which was a fair distance from where he lived and he wanted to take her to dinner. Remember they’d been talking for months and had gotten really close, as you do when you chat with someone for that length of time. He said he wouldn’t take no for an answer and it didn’t matter to him what she looked like.

As you can imagine, he meant every word. He thought she was beautiful inside and out and he wrote to tell us he was going to ask her to move in with him just to test the waters and if that worked out ok, he wanted to marry her and stay with her forever.

Personally I’d much rather be with someone who treats me well, respects me in all ways possible, is able to laugh at himself and with others, is intelligent and fun to be around than to be with someone who stepped off a magazine page and treats me like crap.

My last post was all about hitting the dating target. It’s important to know what you’re looking for and then search for that but that’s only half the equation as I learned this morning. Ok, I have always known there were people who would write to someone without reading their profile or ad on an adult dating site but today I found a guy who was actively seeking someone who didn’t want him.

He’s a straight guy who’s looking for a woman so when I read one of his comments to a woman I was left scratching my head.

“I know you’re a lesbian but I think if you spent at least one evening with me I could turn you around. I’ve got the best moves in the country.”

I thought, “you’re an idiot! Shut up already!” This man will never get a woman who’s seeking another woman for a relationship to meet him for a cozy evening for two. It’s just not going to happen.

I was just about to write to this guy and explain why I thought his approach was headed in the wrong direction when I decided to see what his other comments have been. Sure enough, he’d sent that same comment to 54 lesbians. Talk about shut up already! He’s joined an adult dating site looking for a woman and his choices are only women who aren’t the slightest bit interested in dating him. They probably don’t want to know him.

If you’re looking for a date or a new relationship, know the type of person you’re seeking and actively go after that, but keep in mind what the other person is seeking as well. I don’t think this guy is going to get lucky anytime soon and with all the effort he’s putting in, it’s sad to see it wasted.

I received an email from a woman at our dating website yesterday that really made me scratch my head. The woman is in her early to mid 40s and I think she’s quite a looker. She’s got a gallery of great photos and none of them are showing anything other than a great shape. No naughty bits, no boobage – nothing that you couldn’t show your granny. I checked the mail logs and she’s answered a lot of mail, so she is seriously looking for a new partner. She wrote to say that she was considering leaving over a comment she received on her profile.

“You’ve got great udders, babe”

I suggested that she blacklist the guy and he could no longer view her profile or contact her again and that SexyAds, just as everywhere else in the world, had a few people without much tact.

This brings me to my point for today. Obviously this guy was looking for a new partner for something or he wouldn’t have taken the time to send the note to her. Was he hitting the target? Absolutely not!

It’s not just men who miss the point sometimes but with just a bit of effort, you can target the person you want to meet and make it all happen. If you think about the goal and what you want to happen, then treat the other person as if they were already in your life. Would you say inappropriate things to a woman or man you just met at a party? Of course not. So can you honestly say that you would try it on via the net because you’re anonymous? If yes, you’re missing the target!

Adult dating isn’t difficult if you remember that the people on every site are real people with real emotions and they’ll judge you for what you’re writing to them. Everyone likes to get kinky from time to time (or more often!) but few people (no people?) like to feel like a piece of meat just because they admit to enjoying sex, passion and intimacy.

Til next time – stay sexy!