Cybersex vs real sex

I received the most amazing email this morning from someone I met online a couple of years ago. They met through our website, fell in love and eventually moved in together. We were thrilled with their success. Today she has a problem and has asked for my advice. Here’s her story:

When we first got together we humped like bunnies every single day and sometimes every single night. After a while I noticed he was staying on the net until after my bedtime. I knew he was surfing but I didn’t know he was cybersexing other women on MY time. I know he visits porn sites and some of them are kinkier than I am, but that never bothered me because I think a lot of men enjoy porn. I’ve tried staying up later hoping that once he got his fill of porn he’d look for me, but no go on that one.

Now he only wants me, the real thing, about once a month. It’s always morning sex, it never lasts very long and never happens if it’s too hot. It’s like my needs don’t exist any more — not like it was when we first met. He gets almost angry and defensive if I say anything, telling me that he’s not a machine after all.

Any idea how I can get him back? I still love him and want the relationship to last.

Wow. So much for how the Internet has changed sexuality. Here’s my reply:

I know many men view porn then expect their partner to be ready for sex when they come to bed. This is insensitive and insulting, but I wonder if it’s because they are having trouble with their erection and need extra stimulation. Your partner’s behavior is inexcusable.

When you say that he enjoys kinkier sex than you do, that can come across as a put down and judgmental on your part. It’s obvious that things that arouse him are unacceptable to you and he must sense this. So he deals with it by being secretive and separate from you. He excludes you so he doesn’t have to feel bad. Think about this rationally and you’ll understand that what excites him isn’t necessarily bad or perverted, it’s just not what turns YOU on.

Back to his behavior toward you. Why have you put up with it so long? Do you think you deserve to live a sexless life? Perhaps you feel that you’re the good partner and he’s the bad? This in no way assumes that any of this is your fault, but by allowing his behavior, you have taught him how to treat you.

If you want to live a sexually fulfilled life, you must confront him. You have accepted the status quo for too long. You lament the fact that he doesn’t understand your needs, but you’ve never insisted that he do so. You have permitted his selfishness.

Don’t attack him about his web activities. In some way that’s his business. He’s already feeling some discomfort and will become defensive or shut down communication completely. You must question whether this relationship is worth saving for both of you. It’s not possible to save it if you both can’t say it’s what you want. If he doesn’t commit to working things out, you need to question what the relationship offers to you and why you want to stay when he doesn’t.

It’s time you were treated with respect and dignity. It all starts by feeling worthy of respect and dignity.