Is it okay to cheat?

For most of us the answer is a simple and emphatic NO, but is that reality? Let’s say you and your husband or wife are having a few problems. Money is tight, tempers flare, you’re not agreeing on how to raise the children, her parents are interfering, the bill collectors call, you never compliment each other and frankly while you still love each other, you don’t like each other at all at the moment. (Phew!) You’ve lost all desire for sex with this person. How do you feel now about cheating? Still no?

Let’s say then that all of the above situation is still true and a new person comes to work where you do and you start taking a coffee break at the same time every day. You like this person because he or she is kind, respectful, interesting, and is a bit of a flirt. You haven’t had anyone treat you like this for a long, long time. You haven’t forgotten you’re married but this attention feels SO good, you continue to meet for breaks. Then one day you’re invited along for a sandwich at a cafe and you go. On the way back to work this person leans over and kisses your cheek – just a soft little peck on the cheek. Nothing serious, just a peck to say I really enjoyed this time together.

Moving down the timeline two weeks and now you’re regularly meeting for lunch, sharing intimate bits of your lives and still getting that peck on the cheek, only today you turn your face in anticipation of the peck and you kiss for the first time. It’s passionate and you both know you want more. You set a date and meet for your first sexual encounter.

That’s how it happens for many people. They don’t set out to have an affair. It’s a combination of a lot of little increments of familiarity and then whoosh – you’re in a situation where you have already been emotionally unfaithful and the physical infidelity is just a step away.

So what do you do now? Do you say, “well I’ve done the deed once, I might as well continue, nobody else wants me.” Maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not.

You have a lot of options. It’s probably not too late to save your relationship if you end the affair now. For most women it’s not the sexual act that’s the most insulting — it’s the emotional infidelity. If you’re a man, sharing your secrets with another woman is often more hurtful, so any hope for the relationship means you’ll have to break all ties to the new woman. If you’re a woman, it’s that you were naked with another man in places on your body only your husband should have gone.

Think back about life with your spouse, not just recently but from the time you got together.

• Overall have they been happy times?
• Have you felt valued and respected for what you bring to the relationships (apart from now because your spouse doesn’t like you much as you remember)?
• Do you still find your spouse sexually attractive?
• When you have sex do you feel physically satisfied?

If you can, try to imagine living apart from this person. Can you imagine that you’d be happy – alone. Not with the new person but can you imagine life without your spouse in the picture?

Answering these questions for yourself will help you to decide what is right for you. Honestly, you can only judge what’s right for you as your spouse must decide for him or herself what’s right for them.

I know I’ll get slammed for not saying that when you got married you made a commitment and even if you are miserably unhappy you should stay there, but I’m not going to say it. I don’t think we win any prizes in the hereafter for wearing a badge of martyrdom. We came into the world alone and we’re going to go out alone and while it’s wonderful to find someone to share our lives with, ultimately decisions about our happiness are our own to make.