D-A-T-E…this is probably one of the words that can cause anxiety, fear and excitement all at the same time from people re-entering the dating market. For many of us, life has been safe and secure with a permanent partner for years and then all of a sudden we’re single and alone. How do we get back into the game without feel (and acting) awkward?

The truth is, it’s not easy. The rules have changed since you first dated 5, 10, or even 20 years ago. No longer do men do all the chasing (and paying), no longer do you have to wait for a phone call — it’s all email and texting now. Fortunately, it’s not difficult to catch up. Tell yourself that your first 3 dates are all about market research. No stress, no strain – it’s not going to work out anyway. It could but that’s not your goal. Your goal is to go out and watch other people as well as your date. See what other people are doing and how they’re doing it.

It’s always exciting to be asked out on a date, especially if it’s someone you’d really like to get to know but what about the person doing the inviting? Every time an invitation is made there is an opportunity for rejection. So how do you cope and not chicken out? Do what salesmen do — chalk each one down to numbers. Every successful sales person knows that for every so many people they make one sale. So it’s all about numbers. If this one doesn’t accept, another will come along. I promise!

I don’t think many people go on a first date without some anxiety. I know I always did. A few butterflies to quiet down. I didn’t want to trip, I didn’t want to slob spaghetti sauce on my blouse and I didn’t want to look stupid. Don’t ask why those are my concerns, they just are. I’m sure you have things that come to mind before a first date too. I learned not to order spaghetti on a first date, not to wear shoes that didn’t fit well and to think before I spoke. And it worked!

You can make the first date anxiety proof. I could say try to keep cool but it’s better to be prepared and then there’s nothing to lose your cool over. If you know you have a date, make sure the clothes you’re going to wear are clean, ironed and ready to put on. Don’t wait til the last minute to find out a button is missing on your favorite shirt. Don’t wait til the last minute to get a reservation at your favorite place only to find out they’re fully booked.

Confidence is sexy — well prepared leaves you confident.


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I’m often asked that question and my answer is always the same.. it depends. If you’ve just met someone, you do not owe them your entire life history before you know anything at all about them. It’s a date, not a confessional. What if you tell someone all about your personal life in addition to the skeletons in your closet and you decide you don’t want date number two? You’ve got all this personal information floating around to whomever this person talks to about it. They’ve got no unwritten contract to be discreet because you’ve let them know you’re not going to see them again. Bad move.

What sorts of things are we talking about? Children. You don’t know this person and do you want them knowing your childrens’ names, ages and where they go to school? I wouldn’t. Where you work? Same thing. Where you live? Same thing. Also, there is no need for them to know you were picked up for drunk driving 5 years ago and they don’t need to know that you had 3 miscarriages. None of this is the business of a stranger and yes, this person is a stranger until you get to know them better.

Why let someone judge you for something that has gone on in your past that has no bearing on the person you are now? Makes no sense to me to put myself in that position of playing cleanup to prove I’m not that person any more. People who tell all right up front are probably the same people who open a book to the last page so they know how it’s all going to end. Stop that.

Unless you plan to drop your drawers and have sex on the first date, they also don’t need to know about any of your past sexual partners. This one really drives me up the wall. People tell me that they go on a date with someone and much of it is spent talking about someone’s past sex life. Too much information. When I go out I want the conversation kept to him and me and nothing more. How else are we going to know if we want to see each other again? Frankly, I’m much more interested in his present and his future plans that might include me than I am in who he dated from high school forward.


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Those people who bitch and moan that they can’t get a date really bother me. Why? I think it’s possible for everyone who really wants a date to get one. We might be saying we want a date with our mouths but the rest of us is saying “STAY AWAY!”

I was reading a note from a woman who was complaining that men didn’t like to date her because she was very well educated, used big words, had a powerful job and earned a lot of money – more money than the men who were in her date pool. I mean, really, what a load of horse hockey that is. Unless you’re Oprah Winfrey or someone equally wealthy, I don’t think her education or her job put her out of the dating market, do you? So I had a look at her photo and can you say school marm? She’s on a site called SexyAds and she’s wearing a navy blue business suit complete with lapel pin. In the gallery beside her is a woman wearing a tightish tank top. Knowing men like an old broad like me does, most men will choose the tank top because his eyes work faster than his mind.

This woman is not going to be left on the shelf if she realizes that her work life and her date life are different. If she’s used to ordering people around all day, fine, but her partner doesn’t want to be ordered around, nor does he want to be corrected every time he does something she thinks is inappropriate. Everyone wants cuddles and nurturing and dare I say it, hot sex, but we have to keep in mind that there are genetic differences in our approach to relationships.

She wrote back and said that there might be some validity to my arguments but she feels that it’s important to let people know when they’re doing something wrong. Hmmm. What might be wrong in her rule book of life might be totally all right in his book. I told her Dr. Phil’s line. “Do you need to be right or do you want to be happy?” Jury is still out.

Then I got an email from a guy who couldn’t get noticed to save his life. I looked up his profile and his ad was pretty crap so I told him I’d help him with that. Then I looked at his photo and all I could think of was, “this guy is gay.” Turns out he isn’t gay but that photo screamed it. Stick with me here. His photo was of him sitting in his family room in a chair that looked too small for him and he’s holding a guitar. He’s got a bracelet, earring and necklace on and in the background is the cleanest kitchen I’ve ever seen and a huge Kitchenaid mixer. Now I know that I jumped to a stereotypical conclusion but other women will too.

He wrote to me this morning and told me that the changed photo (no mixer, no jewels) and his changed ad have improved his noticeability tremendously. He said that he never looked at his profile the way someone else would look at it. I reminded him that if he were advertising his lawn mower on Ebay, he’d probably work harder on crafting a good ad than he had for looking for a life partner. Silly, when you look at it that way.

Getting the package right is so important. Don’t post a photo with empty beer cans on the night table and dirty undies on the floor. Don’t post a photo with your ex where you’ve scratched their face off and really really really don’t post a photo of you kissing someone else. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this and I roll my eyes every time.

This is for guys only. Most women spend hours getting ready for a date with you. We shower, put on scented lotions or perfume and we spend decades trying to decide what to wear so that you’ll find us attractive. Imagine how deflating it must feel to spend all that time getting our package right and someone arrives at her door and he hasn’t showered or shaved or done anything to say he’s put any preparation into this date with her. For me, nothing starts my motor more than hugging a freshly showered man.

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I’ve been really sick, sorry I haven’t been around. I’m finally coming around to the other side of it all and life’s good again. I had an employee once who had the best phrase – “so you’ve had palpeetus of the punk again?” Yep, guess so. She was 76 and still working in a factory. That old broad had spunk for three of us. She also had a wart on her tongue that would bounce between the gap in her lower teeth but maybe that’s more information than you need right now.

It’s been great to get back to work at sexyads.com. I was amazed at how much I missed working when for months before I got sick I had said how much I wanted a break. I had in mind a trip to Paris or Atlanta or anyplace fun. My own bed wasn’t “it”.

In my email inbox was a letter from a single mother who’d written to me a while back saying that she was finally ready to start dating but she couldn’t get past feeling like a bad person to get a babysitter to go out. Not only that, but how should she tell her date that she has a small child? Should she tell him even.

I gave her my advice that life is to be lived and at 4 years old, her kid was going to sleep through it all anyway. As for telling her date about her child, why bother until she knows if he’s worthwhile anyway. I’m of the opinion that you keep your kids out of it until you know whether you like the person or not. I suggested that she meet him and tell him over coffee, face to face. That would give him a chance to meet her and see how wonderful she is. If he would have wavered on hearing about the child via email, in person it might not be a big problem.

Anyway, in her mail today she’d met the guy at a local coffee shop and neither realized that their 30 minute coffee lasted nearly 2 1/2 hours. They enjoyed each other’s company so much that she’d been too busy to write. He knows about her little boy but she’s taking my advice and not introducing them too soon. I’m all for protecting the littlies until you know for sure that he’s a keeper.

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